Introspection
by Beth6787
Summary: Set immediately after the season 7 episode "Repression". Chakotay and Kathryn come to terms with his loyalty 'test' for Tuvok...


Beth6787

8 January y

Introspection

Set immediately after the season 7 episode "Repression". Chakotay & Kathryn come to terms with his loyalty 'test' for Tuvok...

He was still in deep shock, a fortnight later. The only light at the end of the tunnel was that Kathryn had -somehow - managed to get her friendship with Tuvok back on an even keel.

But then Tuvok had overcome Teero's mind control and had known that that phaser was firing blanks. Oh, he had deliberately given Tuvok a defective weapon, but the reason...solely to ensure Tuvok did not turn it on him! Self interest and self preservation. At the time Teero's hold on him had been so absolute that he would not have cared one iota if Captain Janeway - and inevitably his Kathryn - had been killed. And the scariest part was that this, although by far the most potentially devastating, was not an isolated incident.

The fact was that he was defective. Had the 'crazy' gene as his grandmother used to say. Just like his grandfather and his uncle. All those incidents : Riley Fraser and her new Collective; the chaotic space aliens; the lucid dreaming to escape those comatose aliens in that cavern; the disembodiment early in their journey and only finding his way back to himself via the medicine wheel; his medicine bundle, spirit guide and Akoonah... the list went on. All altered states of consciousness over which he had little, if any, control. Maybe, sometimes, his crazy gene had helped them out here in the DQ but just as often it had been an Achilles Heel that malevolent entities could exploit to harm Voyager.

This time an extremist Bajoran Vedek from his past and the other side of the galaxy had succeeded in doing just that. And through a third party no less. Worst of all, it could very easily have cost Kathryn her life. Just how much of a liability was he? To the crew, the ship, to... what was next? There would, inevitably be a next time, of that he was sure. As long as he lived so did his crazy gene, hiding from sight deep within his mind, only to be activated by the fates over which he had no control.

Should he leave Voyager at the next friendly M-class trading post they encounter? Kathryn would be free of him and the memories of THAT encounter. Oh, she had tried her hardest to continue as normal. If anything, she was being a little overly affectionate to him. Trying to reassure himself and the Bridge crew no doubt. Nerves had been frayed. Especially among the original Starfleet crew. Old wounds that had long since healed had been torn wide open again. Suddenly Starfleet and Maquis were consciously two tribes.

He had had strong words with all his ex-Maquis after Teero's influence had been neutralised. Both those who had been affected by Tuvok's mind meld and those that, by luck, Tuvok had not had the time or opportunity to activate. No one was to blame, at least no one out here on Voyager. Tuvok had given him permission to convey the circumstances of his initial programming although it was humiliating for the Vulcan third in command. It was important to Chakotay that none of the Val Jean's crew held a grudge. Especially considering that Tuvok had been a Starfleet plant on his raider all along. He knew there were many amongst his band of thirty seven who were still deeply distrustful of him. They would obey his orders as long as their old Captain was around to pull rank if needs be. Without Chakotay, Kathryn would have a problem keeping them in line he knew... Perhaps it was better if all his old crew left along with him? The Captain would still have just under a hundred personnel so Voyager would remain functional. Shift rotations would have to change and there would be less free time for the crew but still ...it was doable.

He needed to get his thoughts in order and then compose a resignation letter. One formal one for the ship's log and a heartfelt - personal- one for Kathryn. They could stay encrypted on his workstation in his quarters until such time as the opportunity arose to depart for good. This was going to be the hardest 'goodbye' of his life but for her sake it needed to be done.

—-

Kathryn was doing her best to distract herself. Chakotay had postponed their weekly dinner date for a second time and there was no official way to broach the subject. Given that these weekly review 'catch ups' were informal (and far from the rigid structure dictated by 'Fleet for such a meeting between a ship's Captain and her Executive Officer) and to be honest, purely a way of socialising that gave them a pretext for some privacy from the crew. They had worked well on so many levels for years now. It was a chance for the two of them to speak candidly. Off the record. A little light hearted banter on many an occasion. A little companionship and normalcy in an extremely abnormal situation...

Oh she was well aware of the reason why. The proverbial elephant in the room. Teero and the events of last month. Had Chakotay been the one who had been captured and indoctrinated by Teero himself then perhaps it would have been easier for him to process, rationalise and, ultimately, make peace with. But Teero had controlled Tuvok who had in turn manipulated him. Tuvok's will had overridden Chakotay's. He had been made a fool of. Again. In his mind he was right back on the Val Jean where Tuvok had been playing him for a fool for over three months whilst undercover...working for her. She knew that had hit home and dented his pride. But worse, it had raised all the old fears she knew he held. Fears for his mental stability...

Should she try and broach the subject or would that just make matters worse? Perhaps her ploy had worked. She had done her very best to appear happy and relaxed with him in public, at all times since. She hoped that he would assume that any issues were between herself and Tuvok. But, then again Kathryn, you ARE hurting aren't you? Even knowing that he had no control of his mind at the time didn't alter the fact that he had handed that phaser to Tuvok. Set on kill. And dared him to pull the trigger. The only thing that had saved her was that Chakotay had not trusted Tuvok not to turn a live weapon on himself! She had no doubt that if Mike Ayala or B'Elanna Torres had been holding that gun, it would have been fully functional. So, where did that leave them? The fact was that the genetic variable that allowed Chakotay to enter a trace like dream state also conferred a weakness. It could be activated by malign outside influences. The gene tended to be expressed with ever greater strength as the individual aged. Hence Chakotay's terror of ending up like his grandfather. Chakotay was already forty nine years old and he wasn't going to get any younger. So did that mean he would become more and more of a potential danger to himself and to the ship? ... If so, was it prudent for him to remain as First Officer?...

Perhaps Chakotay was wise to put some distance between them. They had gotten very close, let's face it far too close, over the last few years. Their relationship should be that of Captain and Commander but had morphed into Kathryn and Chakotay on an everyday basis. No doubt it was high time to re-draw those lines and re-instate those parameters. But she was going to miss him, oh so much...

—-

Sixteen days later...

Chakotay, Neelix and Samantha Wildman had separated and were making their way through the busy bazaar. They had been in orbit for three days already and Chakotay knew that the trading was almost complete. They would break orbit first thing tomorrow morning and resume course for home. Neelix was busy haggling over some luxuries; apparently exotic spices to add to the already fully replenished fresh food stores. Chakotay just hoped for everyone's sake that they would do the job of masking the taste of Leola root (of which they still had a never ending supply after more than six years out here). If only Kes hadn't been quite so adept at adapting the environment to optimise it's growth in the hydroponics bay!

He glanced over the racks of linens and various domestic implements on the stall in front of him and spotted Sam. She had her arms full of embroidered cloth with a similar texture to silk. In pretty colours and patterns that he was sure were for Naomi's benefit. Samantha was a good seamstress amongst her many other talents. She had even patched up the odd item for himself over the years when they were travelling in 'grey mode' and replicators were strictly off limits for everyone. He envied her the simple happiness of having a child, a family, someone to belong to and to love you unconditionally. He was almost half a century old and what did he truly have to show for his life? A whole load of shattered dreams and broken illusions.

How much of that was down to his 'crazy' gene? He didn't know, would probably never know for sure but maybe, now - at long last - he had a shot at changing all that. Here on Semparini Colony. As well as being renown traders, theirs was a medically advanced culture. At first glance you would think that they lived a fairly simple agricultural and artisan lifestyle. In all other respects their science was fairly basic. As regards, physics, cosmology, engineering and inorganic chemistry : on a par with early twenty second century Earth. However, their medical knowledge was easily beyond that on Voyager. He had found this out more by chance than anything. Whilst the various department heads had been focussed on bartering for their specific needs whether that be raw materials for B'Elanna; local star charts of Seven; or home comforts such as recreational objects, games, crafts etc which had fallen to Neelix and his team; Chakotay had focussed on enquiring at the local library about the Semparini culture and history.

Apparently around half their population used to have some rudimentary telepathic abilities but the gene that conferred this trait also led to severe fertility issues. Most of the proto- telepaths were sterile and those that did have children, invariably had major physical health and psychological problems. Most telepaths' progeny failed to reach adulthood themselves. That had all change around sixty years ago. When their scientists had discovered a way to de-activate the problem gene. They could not eliminate it from the genome but they rendered it permanently dormant by inserting a 'suicide' gene into the promoter region. In other words, if the environment stimulated the telepathy gene to activate it would trigger a fragmentation of that DNA rendering it useless. This had taken some time to perfect and there had been casualties along the road but, now, and for the last thirty eight years all carriers were stable and healthy. They had lost any trace of telepathic ability but their fertility and viability of their children had reached the same level as the unaffected population.

Chakotay had asked for the research papers and taken them back to his quarters. Although he had nowhere near the knowledge of Voyager's EMH - whom he could not sound out without drawing attention to his rapidly forming plans - the procedure appeared simple enough. The patient was rendered unconscious by routine anaesthesia and then a 'genetic rectifier' compound was injected into the brain stem. An hour or so later and the patient woke up cured. Of course, his 'crazy' gene was bound to be different from the Semparini telepathic one but surely, the principle was the same?

Chakotay had made enquiries at the central clinic yesterday morning and been assured by the neurological team there that they could help him. They had taken a small tissue sample to sequence his genome and confirmed that the correct 'rectifier' for him would be ready within five days. They had been more than happy to accept some of Chakotay's wood carvings and sand pictures in payment. The decision made, all that was left was for Chakotay to pack a small bag of essential belongings and keepsakes from his quarters on Voyager and send the two resignations through to the Captain. He knew that he was being a coward : should at least have the good grace after almost seven years to look her in the face, in person, one more time for his goodbyes but...his personal video message would have to suffice. Whatever it could not convey, would not be readily forthcoming face to face. He just hoped that with time, she would understand.

Chakotay smiled at Samantha who had just dumped a pile of cloth in his arms as Neelix waddled up with some foul smelling herbs. Perhaps there was something positive to be said for Leola root after all. "Ready to go?" They both nodded and Chakotay called the Delta Flyer for a site to site beam out.

—-

It was 0215 hours and Chakotay had just finished programming the Transporter for a direct beam into the hospital suite he had been assigned. There would be a three minute delay until transport and then the signal would scramble and the log delete. He arranged his bags on the Transporter pad and took one last look around. It was sad that his last memory of Voyager would be standing alone in Transporter Room 3. He remembered the last time he had been here, again with Neelix and Samantha. Ironically it had been Neelix on the pad about to transport himself into the infinite void of space after having his beliefs in the afterlife obliterated. He and Samantha had given Neelix back his "reason d'etre." His family on Voyager, those that needed him such as his young god daughter, Naomi. Only for Chakotay, standing on that pad looking out, there were just the bare bulkheads staring back at him.

He sighed and instructed the computer to activate the personal message to Kathryn in her quarters at 0645 and the formal resignation in her Ready Room at 0730. By then Voyager would be well on her way...

—-

Kathryn had had a restless night, a not uncommon occurrence, but it had been worse than usual. She berated herself for all the negative thoughts she had been dwelling on when she eventually turned in, just after 0200 hours! She had managed just over four hours of recurring nightmares, all involving Chakotay and betrayal. Loss and pain, both physical and metaphorical. She would replicate a small breakfast of cereal and some Earl Grey tea, foregoing her usual stimulant. Although she was physically and emotionally exhausted she needed to calm her frayed nerves : not add to them.

0635 and she was feeling a little more human having managed a quick, real water shower, and half a bowl of muesli and a full mug of the soothing tea. She knew that Voyager had gotten underway at 0400 hours with Ensign Gibson at the helm and Lieutenant Reynolds commanding the night shift. There had been no summons to the Bridge so she could safely assume all was routine but, for some reason she couldn't fathom, felt the need to check her personal communications. Expecting to find nothing and already annoyed with herself she activated the console. There was one pending message due to play in less than five minutes. Obviously, whoever it was (and she noted the sender was not listed) had wanted to catch her before she started her duty shift. Odd, as personnel issues were Chakotay's department. Oh well, it was an excuse to sit down for five minutes more and hopefully it would be something trivial...in which case solving it by 0700 would get the day off to a good start.

On queue the console activated whilst simultaneously activating the security lock outs on her door and a dampening field around her living area. Whoever this was and whatever the message was about, was apparently far from trivial. And for her eyes only...that could mean only one thing...

As if her mind had conjured him up, Chakotay appeared on the view screen. His head and shoulders. Enough to see that he was out of uniform, actually wearing the civilian clothes that she recognised from New Earth. She was starting to feel very uneasy and as he looked at her and began to speak she felt a chill down her spine.

"Good morning Kathryn. As you are watching this Voyager will be on her way home : without me. I'm sorry to be so blunt but I have tried opening this message a hundred different ways and scrapped them all. If this is the last time I speak to you, I owe both of us the courtesy of finally speaking openly and honestly.

The events that occurred around the time of the Bajoran Teero's triggering of the latent message he implanted into Tuvok's subconscious and the subsequent fallout ...have made me finally face up to myself. Had this been a solitary aberration then I could have learned to live with it; in time. Maybe, we could have truly gotten past all the ramifications. The hurt, suspicion, mistrust and fear that that rebellion ignited anew. But, for me, it was the proverbial final straw. Just the latest - and worst - of a string of incidents where my 'crazy' gene (for want of a more scientific term) had endangered the ship and crew. And, yes, you. There `I have said it. Not in my capacity as your First Officer but as the man, Chakotay. Who has loved you from afar these past almost seven years. He always will. Yet he was able to be programmed to coerce a man to hold a loaded gun to your head. Then fire. I thank the fates that it was Tuvok. Anyone else and I would not be recording this message now. There would have been no Kathryn to receive it.

I have made arrangements to remain on Semparini Colony in the short term. They have advanced clinical and surgical facilities here. Their people encountered similar problems to myself through a variant of a proto-telepathy gene several decades ago but have made remarkable progress in eliminating it. All the research is in my quarters. I'm sure both yourself and the Doctor will find it of interest. They took a bio-sample from myself a couple of days ago and will have the tailor made treatment ready for me within the week. I know that it is a risk, but the risk is slight compared to the benefits of finally having a stable mind. One not attuned to flights of fancy or malevolent alien influences.

I have volunteered to stay on the Colony for some weeks after the procedure is complete. They can monitor me and mitigate any side effects and I can supply their xeno-biologists with a plethora of novel data to keep them engaged for quite some time. Should it ultimately be successful I will seek passage towards the Alpha Quadrant as and when `I can. Perhaps we will one day meet again, back on Earth proper. I hope so.

Now to cut to the chase."

His eyes seemed to darken and his stare become more penetrating and intense. " I will miss you. No, not the Captain. Chakotay will miss Kathryn. More than she can ever know. I have loved you from near and afar since almost the day `I met you. As `I have come to know you what was physical attraction morphed into admiration, adulation and finally a deep peace. A co-existence. An indivisible us. It should not have remained unsaid. So much was..."

He seemed to stare through her and look deep into the recesses of her very soul.

" I know we could never have acted on those feelings. Not in a physical sense, anyway. But we should have given them voice. I should have. Perhaps, in the long run, things are better this way. You will not be forced, day after day, to sit only inches from me on that Bridge...playing this never ending charade... Tuvok will make an excellent First Officer and allow you to finally separate the professional and personal for good. No angst; no parameters; and most of all, no craziness. A safe and speedy journey home, my love."

And with that the message abruptly terminated.

Kathryn couldn't quite take it in. This couldn't be happening. She had sensed that he was still troubled, inevitably. But not to this extent. To abandon his whole life for the last seven years, all his friends, crew...hell, to all intents and purposes family. ...

She immediately asked the computer the location of Commander Chakotay. It replied that he was in his quarters. Thank goodness she thought, this is a cry for help before he actually takes action. Either that or he came to his senses and abandoned the idea but forgot to delete this file so the computer had simply patched it through at the pre-programmed time. She would drop by one her way to the Bridge and have a quiet word with him. Reassure him that she had full confidence in his abilities and his loyalty for her. The more personal would have to wait for a later time but they could walk to the Bridge together...then after their duty shift ended she would have a discreet word with the Doctor. He was not a psychologist per se but he was programmed to deal with psychological injury as well as the mere physical. Chakotay was showing signs of serious PTSD and she should have seen it before now. With that she hurried out to catch him.

—-

One hour later and she was in her Ready Room. So, he really was gone. Not only had she found the abandoned Comm badge by his bed but she had received the formal resignation log entry on entering her office. What to do? She could not compel him to stay on Voyager and maybe these Semparini really could help him...but to do what? Take away his ability to communicate with his animal guide? His intuition ? His instincts and empathy for those around him? Just how much of Chakotay would be lost along with his 'crazy' gene? She would get no answers sitting here. Before she made it public knowledge she needed to understand fully what the implications were. Time to pay sickbay a visit.

—

The Doctor had been very accommodating. Showing her all Chakotay's brain scans over the years and particularly the pattern of gene activation when they had entered that area they had labelled 'Chaotic Space'. As she looked at the images on the screen the Doctor narrated.

"As you can see here, the aberrant gene lambda psi GCR1 - that's glial cell receptor 1 to clarify Captain." He paused to ensure she was keeping up. The Captain inclined her head and he continued "there is extensive activation of the visual and auditory cortex pathways. Hence the commander's ability to see and hear his visions, and also to lucidly dream. The downside is that due to the conformation of the resultant protein molecule it takes far longer to be broken down by the body than the normal variant. Hence his struggle to come around after using the Akoonah and his susceptibility to outside influence."

Kathryn regarded him pensively "So Doctor, are you telling me that it would be in Chakotay's best interests to allow the surgery on Semparini?"

"That would entirely depend on which factors hold the most weight, so to speak. I will have to read the research that the Commander has left in his quarters, but assuming the medical science is sound, and with the correct safeguards the procedure could successfully deactivate the gene : Yes. It would be very difficult to predict the resultant personality changes. They may be barely noticeable or extreme, such as the effect on Counsellor Deanna Troi of the Enterprise when she temporarily lost her empathic abilities. She felt extremely 'disabled' and was quite traumatised by the whole experience. However, it would seem prudent - should the commander choose to go ahead - that he wake up to familiar faces..."

Kathryn could 't agree more. She hit her Comm Badge "Commander Tuvok. About turn. Set a course back to Semparini Colony warp 9. Then gather the senior staff in the briefing room. I will join you in fifteen minutes. Janeway out."

She looked back at the Doctor "Can you read through this lot in that timeframe?" Handing him ten full PADDs of Chakotay's research. He smiled a little smugly, "Consider it done Captain."

—

He awoke it the Recovery Room. Everything was a sterile white bar the strip lighting which glowed a cool blue. Cool, yes he felt cold. Both outside and within. Something was different but he could not put a finger on it.

A nurse, he presumed anyway, approached. "How are you feeling Chakotay? Any discomfort?" She added kindly. He then noticed several syringes filled with various liquids in the tray on the trolley beside the bed.

"No. I'm not in pain though there is something...a bit cold...foggy maybe?..."

"That's to be expected after this procedure. It should fade within the next twelve hours or so then you should feel back to normal."

Normal? Ah yes, now he remembered. He had wanted to be normal. That is why he had remained behind here on this Colony. Alone. These people would help him by removing his 'crazy' gene. Had it worked? Was he now normal?...

The nurse went away and then a burly male appeared and pushed his trolley through to a ward. There were two other colonists there with him. Quite young, barely more than children. He remembered, if their defective gene was not deactivated by the time puberty finished they would be infertile along with a raft of other ailments.

One young lad who went by the name Roc asked him to see whether he could pick up his thoughts. Nope. Nothing. Chakotay shrugged apologetically but the lad was elated. He then asked Chakotay to think of his favourite person and Roc would see whether he could pick anything up. Again, apparently nothing. However the slightly older looking boy, Paka, suddenly piped up with "That's easy. He is thinking of the lady he loves but who is not here with him."

Chakotay was worried. So they only had a fifty percent success rate with their own people at best. Perhaps he had given up Voyager in vain. ... Roc saw his expression "Don't worry..." Chakotay looked at him "My name is Chakotay".."Chakotay " the boy replied "Paka did not read your mind, just your face. It is obvious. Any Ordinary could do that too."

Chakotay kicked himself inwardly for being so transparent. "Ordinary..? Is that what you call the others? The ones without telepathy?"

"Of course. We all aspire to be ordinary. It is our dream from the moment we are born this way and become aware of our defect."

"Then I am glad you have achieved your aim." Chakotay replied. "I too wish to be Ordinary...no, not wish to. Need to. My 'crazy' gene allows me to see things that are not really there, hear them too...sometimes I do not know what is real at all..."

Roc and Paka regarded him closely "So you have the ability to travel between realities? You can move between the worlds just by wishing it? Why would you want to lose that?"

"Because it had sometimes been controlled by outsiders. Malevolent aliens who would do harm to those I love. It is dangerous for them and for me..."

Roc thought for a moment, then turned to look directly at Chakotay "Then you need to master it. Make it a good part of you."

"Or remove it altogether. Which the doctors here have just done. I can feel it, or rather I can't. I am different. Calmer. Neutral almost... like Tuvok..."

The boys had both started to sleep but Chakotay felt wide awake. He had been thinking of Kathryn when they had challenged him to that telepathy test but it was more a...casual curiosity. As to where she was now and how the ship was adapting to his absence. But love her? What an odd suggestion. She was his superior officer and perhaps could be loosely described as a friend. Yes, altogether he was starting to feel much more relaxed. Calmer. In control. He would get a good rest for a day or two here then see about finding a room and a job.

—-

As soon as Voyager was back in orbit Captain Janeway hailed the colony leader Mok Lazet. He proved most unhelpful. No, he did not know the current location of Commander Chakotay. Yes, he had sought medical assistance and sanctuary on his planet. So, by definition, Chakotay was now a civilian colonist as far as Semparini law was concerned. No, he would not grant permission for an Away Team to beam down and search for him unless he had committed a felony.

Kathryn was desperate so grabbed what flimsy opening she could "Actually Governor he has. He failed to resign in person and he has not served his notice period. Under Federation and Starfleet law he is required to serve another twelve weeks aboard this vessel before he is free to abandon his position and responsibilities here. I formally request, therefore, that my security officer, Commander Tuvok, and his team be allowed to carry out a full search and retrieval operation. We will, naturally, comply with all your laws and I would be honoured to be allowed to beam down to discuss the matter of payment with you."

At that latter comment his eyes lit up. For all their apparent sophistication and friendliness they had a lot in common with the Ferengi at heart. She wondered just what price they had extracted from Chakotay for that surgery. Although she very much hoped it had not taken place yet...

"Of course Captain. Now that I fully understand the severity of the situation, we will of course assist you with locating your errant officer. My assistant will schedule our meeting as soon as my diary permits."

A snake oil salesman came to mind but Kathryn merely conveyed her thanks as warmly as she could muster and broke the link. It was going to be a long day...

—

It had taken just over three days to locate him. He had left the hospital a couple of days before and was assisting one of the carpenters in the bazaar by carving images of landscapes and animals into the furniture that he sold. Each piece personalised for the specific customer. Needless to say his new employer was not keen to release him. Takings had never been so good. Eventually, Tuvok had had to pay off not only the colonist but their authorities also. It had been costly for Voyager in more ways than one. However, the deed was done but Chakotay had not seemed keen to resume his post. Far from it. Tuvok and Kathryn had had to lay down the law regarding his 'notice period' and he had eventually, reluctantly, agreed to stay aboard for a few more weeks. Though frankly, if he changed his mind and left again of his own volition Kathryn would either have to lock him in the brig or let him go. She knew without a doubt that it would be the latter.

They were on the Bridge now and Chakotay had been back in post for six days. So far he had performed all his duties to the letter. He certainly had not lost knowledge of his job description or the technical knowledge to carry out his duties. The Doctor had seen him at the end of each day's shift and given him a full cerebral diagnostic. The 'crazy' gene was indeed dormant and his neural network seemed otherwise stable. The Commander professed to feel physically well and had resumed his boxing exercise program in the holodeck. Kathryn couldn't quite put her finger on it but he was noticeably different. To her. He seemed...indifferent to her moods...insensitive...Oh, he was polite and formal at all times, even when it was just the two of them in the Ready Room.

She glanced across at him now. He was concentrating on the data stream coming into his chair console and responding where necessary. All very proper. All very efficient and somehow not in the least normal. No shared glances over one of Tom's idiosyncracities ; or the passive aggressive looks exchanged between Harry and Tuvok; or perhaps a less than strictly professional engineering report from B'Elanna. It was as though they had just met. The officers all strangers to one another and they were at the formal 'get to know you' stage of bedding-in as a coherent crew. Somehow Chakotay seemed to have lost seven years of hard won camaraderie and friendships. He seemed to have left her behind and...there it was ...lost himself.

They were due to have their first weekly dinner in her quarters since his return. At 2030 hours tonight. Perhaps a less formal setting and some of their old familiar routines would help ...trigger a latent memory or two. Otherwise, his supposed sanity was far too high a price to pay. She wanted her Chakotay back, flaws and all. Now she just had to make him want the same.

—-

2030 hours exactly...

The doorbell chimed and Kathryn looked around. Everything was ready. Their usual cutlery and crockery, some fashioned by Chakotay himself on New Earth. Certainly not standard Starfleet issue. Some roses from hydroponics, an indulgence : but Kes had lovingly cultivated the plants and Kathryn could not bear to part with them. Besides, they were not only decorative but fragrant too. A pair of deep red candles that gave just a hint of damp wood smell. An escape from the synthetic environment of the ship, just for an hour or two. She had also gone to the trouble of replicating his favourite meal of mushroom and asparagus quiche with a side salad devoid of Leola root!

Kathryn called out "Come on in. I'm just about ready to serve up." She heard the door open and his footsteps as he approached. She busied herself with serving onto the plates and laying the table. When she glanced up, expecting to see Chakotay pouring the wine whilst relaxing on the sofa, there he was. Standing ram rod straight. To attention no less, a couple of feet inside the doorway. For a moment she was at a loss then decided that perhaps she had better take things slowly. Get him to relax a little at a time... "At ease, Commander. This is an informal social gathering."

Chakotay looked confused. "Captain? I had thought we were going to discuss the crew evaluations and my recommendations for the security re-assignments."

It was then that she noticed he had changed from the uniform he had been wearing all day into a freshly pressed one. Thank goodness he had not decided on full dress uniform she begrudging thought.

"Of course we will. After dinner. Let's eat first whilst the food is still warm. Perhaps you could pour the wine? " she gestured towards the bottle and glasses on the sideboard.

Chakotay was feeling more and more uncomfortable by the minute. He remembered that they were friends as well as colleagues and he could recall these dinners before. She was behaving as she usually did his rational mind was telling him. But it felt wrong. She was his commanding officer and they should be sitting at a standard format table with ship's fluorescent lighting for illumination and they should be discussing the work matters on his PADDs before eating. This dinner was obviously a pretext for a purely social interlude and she had no intention of working tonight. However, she WAS the Captain and it was the duty of the First Officer to follow orders so he would play along for now.

They sat and ate with Kathryn valiantly attempting to make conversation. Every time she did he gave what he thought was an appropriate reply. He could see from her expression that she was unhappy with him so his responses had obviously disappointed her. But he had stuck the the facts and tried to be rational and objective with every one of his suggestions. Actually he had actively avoided making any unless boxed into a corner. He preferred to receive his orders and get on with the job. It was for the Captain to make the decisions.

After they had finished eating the Captain had replicated coffee for herself and tea for him and they were now sitting on her corner sofa at right angles to one another.

Kathryn sat and regarded him. Chakotay was tense. Uncomfortable in the extreme. And it had nothing to do with the awkward incident with Teero and the immediate aftermath. She was sure of that. He was uncomfortable with the situation, the informality of it. As if the part of his brain that gave him empathy and humour was missing along with the ability to go on a vision quest. The 'notice period' would soon be up and she had to broach the subject she knew. Find out whether HE felt happier within...this way... If not, if she could detect even a glimmer of regret she was going to do her utmost to get the Doctor to reverse this...amputation. To Kathryn that was what it amounted to.

"Commander...Chakotay...please. Just look at me. I need to ask you some difficult...some personal questions. I need to know before you make any final decisions about your immediate future..." she could not bring herself to voice the possibility of his leaving the ship again. This time forever. "Please, describe for me how you feel now. How are you different than before the procedure on Semparini?"

He looked at her for a brief moment then looked away. "Captain..." he saw the hurt flash across her eyes "Kathryn. It is difficult to describe. I can remember everything that has happened since we were first drawn here by the Caretaker's Array. The formal and the..." he hesitated for a moment "informal. It is as though I am watching a holo-novel. I am aware that I am a participant but there is little sensation. I am ...indifferent as to the outcome. No, that's not quite it. Of course I care about keeping my colleagues safe but...it is a..." Then he smiled for the first time as he looked at her. Relieved at having found the right term of phrase "professional detachment."

Kathryn said nothing as she tried to formulate a response in her mind. Before she had the chance he continued "The surgery must have been a resounding success. That was the objective. To be able to be only professional at all times. No...angst; insecurity; nightmares; confusion. I feel calm within. Detached." His voice trailed off as though expecting an affirmation from her.

Kathryn forced herself to ask. She had to. "So, Commander. Are you happier in your skin now? Would you choose to remain this way?"

Chakotay could feel his head aching. He was a little nauseous, perhaps it was the wine. "To be honest Captain, I don't know. I feel tired and a little unwell. Perhaps my metabolism is still adjusting to the new status quo. I know I usually drink this wine with no ill effects but tonight..."

"Tonight blindsided you. I have overwhelmed you. I can see that and I am sorry. I just wanted...just needed to see how little or how much things had changed. For us. Please feel free to return to your quarters."

He did not move ...suddenly she realised he was waiting for the formal word ."Dismissed" , she forced out a lame smile as she said it.

He stood to attention and nodded. He actually nodded. "Captain" and with that he was gone. In every sense of the word she realised.

—-

He had fallen into a fitful sleep. Filled with nightmares. Firstly he was aware of his father, Kolopak, giving him that disappointed look that he remembered from his youth. When the very last thing he had wanted to do was search for a bunch of primitive "Rubber Tree People". He had tried to speak to him but his father had turned his back and vanished into the mist. Saying nothing. Then he was on that barren planetoid where he had crash landed the shuttle and Kathryn had nearly died. Except this time it was all vice versa. She dragged his unconscious body out of the shuttle and desperately tried CPR only for him to die on her. He was crouching next to the scene, telling Kathryn that he was not dead, but she was totally unaware of his presence. Then suddenly he was looking for his grandfather...only when he eventually found him the old man refused to recognise him. He had no grandson called Chakotay, in fact he had no grandson at all. Then he was aboard Voyager but he had no friends. B'Elanna was contemptuous of him, Harry seemed to pity him, Tuvok was indifferent to him and Kathryn barely noticed him at all...

He woke with a grasp and found himself tangled up in his bedding and nightclothes all covered in perspiration. It must have been the wine he thought : the events of last evening started to filter back into his consciousness. He looked at the clock, only 0056 hours. He must have only been sleeping for a couple of hours at most. He staggered to the bathroom to wash his face. A gaunt man looked back at him. He looked frightened but the eyes were cold...vacant...missing...something...

He could not get the image of his father and grandfather out of his mind. Nor his dead body lying beside a distraught Kathryn. He would try his Akoonah this one last time. Put the demons to rest before embarking on his new - sane - life. He prepared the medicine bundle as he had done a million times before. Hand on the Akoonah and eyes closed he began the incantation . Ten minutes passed and nothing but darkness, silence and the beginnings of muscle cramp. Chakotay gave up and went to sit on the edge of the bed, looking out of the viewport...such a vast space ...so much ...nothingness...just like he felt inside. No, this was not what he wanted. The price was too high. He was a 'sane' automaton rather than a 'crazy' man.

The decision made he patched through a secure channel to the Doctor then made his way to sickbay.

—

Three hours later the Doctor made his report. "Captain, the reversal procedure is complete. The Commander's neurotransmitter gene and resultant peptides now carry the mutant variation specific to his native people. He is biochemically identical to how he was before attending the clinic on Semparini. I will be bringing him out of the sedation in ten minutes. If you would like to be present..?"

Kathryn closed the secure transmission to her Ready Room and headed down to sickbay. When she arrived she found Tuvok in attendance. He had handed to Bridge over, temporarily to Tom Paris . Tuvok was unsure as to what to expect when Chakotay awoke. Last time his 'crazy' gene had been activated, admittedly by Tuvok's own hand, he had been intent on mutiny and if necessary, murder of the woman he purported to love. The Captain silently acknowledged the precaution but she dearly hoped it was not necessary...though that would be better than the caricature of the man she had had to cope with these last weeks.

Chakotay started to come around. The room was hazy...voices...the Captain and Commander Tuvok...why was he here, lying down. As he went to sit up the Captain came and steadied him. She looked into his eyes and he sensed a pleading for something...He felt confused but otherwise still detached... He tried to remember back, some bad dreams after dinner, contacting the Doctor to restore his former self. Perhaps the Doctor had thought better of it. All was as it had been earlier today except that the dreams now seemed to mock him. He had overreacted. It all meant nothing. He had simply had too much wine with his dinner.

He turned to the Doctor "My apologies for disturbing you all in the middle of the night. It was nothing, just a bad dream no doubt due to my excessive indulgence over dinner. Captain, I will have those staff reassignments on your desk at 0700 sharp. Excuse me."

And with that he stood to attention and walked out. Kathryn nodded for Tuvok to follow him then turned to the Doctor "I thought you said that you had undone all the modifications to his genome? So why is his personality, his essence still absent?"

The Doctor had no idea but suddenly a voice interjected from his office. Seven had been attending for a radial clamp re-alignment when Chakotay had made the emergency call to sickbay. She had discreetly removed herself to the Doctor's office but had observed the following events. "I think that the Commander may simply be lost within his own mind. When that happened to me, at the time we came in too close proximity to the Vinculum, Commander Tuvok initiated a mind meld with me. He eliminated all the other voices one by one until he found mine."

Kathryn looked hopefully at the Doctor. Seven was right, this might just work. The Doctor interjected a note of caution "Remember. The Commander underwent this surgery initially so that others could no longer influence his thoughts and actions. Firstly he has reluctantly agreed to reverse those changes but then to ask him to allow Tuvok to control his mind...again...after all the business with Vedek Teero?"

Kathryn felt deflated. The Doctor was right, they couldn't in good conscience put Chakotay through that again. Or even ask it of him...or Tuvok.

She thanked Seven for her suggestion then made her excuses and headed, exhausted and defeated back to her quarters. She collapsed into bed but her mind was still spinning. More by instinct than conscious thought she grabbed hold of the medicine bundle she had made with Chakotay on New Earth. A comfort blanket of sorts as she sought a few minutes oblivion.

She must be dreaming...she was in a forest somewhere...instinctively she felt as though she was on Dorvan V , many years ago. It was dusk and the mist was descending and getting ever denser, obscuring the way ahead. Suddenly she almost fell over as she bumped into an old man. She had never seen him before but she instinctively knew who he was , Kolopak's father and Chakotay's paternal grandfather. The old man asked her what she was doing out here, so far from home. She replied that she was trying to find her way but had gotten lost in the ever expanding mist. He smiled and shook his head. She was the second young person he had met out here today looking for a way home. Perhaps they could help each other. She should follow the young man. Kathryn asked which way he went. The old man pointed into the darkest, densest part of the forest. That was the one direction that Kathryn feared taking but she forced herself on. Just as she reached the outskirts another man called to her from the backlit haze in the direction of the sunset. It was Kolopak. He laughed at her. Why are you listening to the crazy old man? Only a fool would venture in there after dark. In that direction lies only madness...and death. Kathryn turned to face him. I am following your son, Chakotay, she replied. Kolopak laughed out loud as he receded from view. I have no son he repeated over and over. She looked down and saw she was holding her medicine bundle. Hoping it would somehow help guide her she took a deep breath and pushed on into the darkness...

Where was he? Come to that, where was she? The forest had vanished and she seemed to be walking through a vast starscape. She did not recognise the constellations except...there was a large moon drifting, seemingly free of any gravitational pull. As she looked more carefully she recognised it. Earth's own satellite. Then it dawned on her, lucid dreaming, more specifically, Chakotay's lucid dreaming. Somehow she was in his dream...but who had the control, him or her? She knew it was a lucid dream therefore she must be able to control events by conscious will.

Alright she would find Chakotay. As she concentrated on him the background shifted yet again. She was in a clinic she did not recognise but there in front of her, unconscious on the operating table, was Chakotay. The surgeon walked in and she recognised the Semporini. So this was when and where Chakotay had had that procedure to alter himself. Could she stop it? Apparently the surgeon was just checking on him in the Recovery Area before he came around. Too late she thought in horror. As she made her way towards him to shake him awake suddenly Kolopak appeared again and went to stand beside his son. He looked at Kathryn then handed her Chakotay's medicine bundle. You must return this to him before he awakes, then he will be whole again. As soon as Kathryn had taken the medicine bundle from Kolopak's hand she woke up.

This was crazy but...she went to her terminal and asked for the location and status of Commander Chakotay. He was asleep at last, in his quarters. What did she have to lose bar her own sanity. She would let the dream play out. There was no rational way that it could work but then...that was the whole point was it not. She hurried out to Chakotay's quarters.

—

Having found the medicine bundle and still having hold of hers she stood over Chakotay feeling slightly ridiculous. Make that very ridiculous. She looked down at her two hands. What to do? She would place both their objects in the leather pouch that was what Chakotay carried his sacred items in. A double whammy as a combined medicine bundle or a complete waste of time. She was not sure which but she placed the bag directly over Chakotay's heart. Now what? She should go before he awoke and saw her standing there. Besides if he was still his 'sane' self, what in heaven's name would he make of his Captain and her voodoo spell?

Just as she reached his bedroom door Chakotay opened his eyes and called out to her "Captain?" He had seen her. She froze, desperately trying to think of a rational explanation for what she was doing there. Chakotay had sat up and he had the medicine bag in his hand. "Kathryn, please, come and sit with me a moment."

She was at a loss but decided to do as he suggested. As long as he was talking she was buying time to think of something appropriate to say.

"So you met my father and my crazy old grandpa I see. It took a great deal of courage to follow his guidance into the darkest, densest part of the forest. Why did you take the risk Kathryn?"

She could not believe the direction this conversation was taking. She must still be lucid dreaming. Of course, that was it, she had yet to wake up. Well then, why not play along? Tell the truth and see how the dream plays out. So, she took both of Chakotay's hands and placed the medicine bundle between their four palms. "Because I had lost the man I love. He had decided to do something completely crazy and have his spirit and soul eliminated by a molecular biologist on an alien world in the Delta Quadrant. I had to stop him."

"So why would I have chosen to do that?"

Playing along she answered him, truthfully. "Because he was terrified. He feared his unique gift was open to exploitation by malevolent entities. That he may harm those he cared for, someone he loved."

"Who might that be?" Chakotay was looking at her very intently and clasping the medicine bundle so tightly that her fingers were starting to go numb. These lucid dreams were certainly realistic!

She looked him square in the eyes. "Me. A few months ago an old adversary from the Bajoran sector took control of Tuvok. He in turn re-activated an allegiance to the Maquis cause in every crew member that he mind melded with. So you assumed your old persona of the Maquis Captain and tested Tuvok's loyalty by asking him to shoot me. Which he did, with a defective gun that you had given him. The point was that even in that situation you protected me by making sure the gun would not fire whilst set on kill. Also and by far the most important point was that Teero -throughTuvok - controlled all the former Maquis. Whether they were Human, Bolian, Klingon, Bajoran ...it made no difference. It wasn't your crazy gene to blame. In fact, that is what saved us at the time and afterwards too. Helped us find our way back to one another. But then a few weeks ago you abandoned me and returned to Semparini to lose yourself. I have been trying to find you ever since."

"And what would you do if you did find the true Chakotay again?"

What the heck, this was a lucid dream right? She could never do this in real life but just this once..."I would tell him how much I love him. That I cannot continue this voyage without him. That he is the other half of me. He makes me complete. And that I have never come close to loving this intensely before. Then I would show him..."

With that she kissed him as she had dreamed of doing for the last six years. Leaving nothing out, as she conveyed all that she felt through that one communion of their lips.

As they drew apart Chakotay smiled at her. Really smiled at her like he used to do. So now all she had to do was never wake up and all would be fine.

As if reading her mind he stroked her cheek. "Kathryn, you are not dreaming. We are both wide awake. For the first time in all these years we are truly lucid. And ...I love you too and if that makes me crazy...so be it."

And with that he kissed her back until she knew that this dream would never end...

THE END.

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